- I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?
- "When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me
- I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder
- My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade
- I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough'
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
- I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Peter Kay's questions...
- Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
- If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
- Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your a*se?
- Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
- Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
- What do people in China call their good plates?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- What do you call male ballerinas?
- Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
- Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Spaghetti?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths...
- Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones
- At the end of every party there is always a girl crying
- One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger
- You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps
- Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator - then turned the figures upside down
- Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl
- Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball
- You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses (note this one kirsty!!)
- Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush
- Old women with mobile phones look wrong
- Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee
- Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited
- There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something
- No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers
- Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan
- The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug
- People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
- You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with
- Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
No comments:
Post a Comment